Doubt is a clingy, nasty liar. So why you keep it around?
This may be the most important 7 minutes you invest in yourself today.
I recently found myself in a coffee shop I don’t normally frequent, for a meeting with a person I had never met.
Standing up to greet this person, I smiled, stuck out my hand and said, “Yes. Very nice to meet you. You are?…”
The answer came more slowly than I expected. “Pat.” We were there to talk about an upcoming association meeting Pat was helping to organize.
“So, are you riding again?” She asked. She had seen the story of my hit and run.
I replied, “I am. Have been for a bit. Started on the trainer inside the moment I was cleared for that. I had to ride sitting up, no hands in a small hot room for quite a while. Walking and climbing stairs in our house a lot too. It sucked but I needed a goal. Back to normal training about a month ago. Still hurts.
“You don’t look injured. At all really”. Pat said it in a way that was more an indictment than an observation.
I decided to cut to the chase. “So what can I help you with?”
Pat took out a notebook. “Many of our association members are complaining that they feel burnt out, frustrated and stuck. There is a general feeling of apathy. We’ve done events, you know Zoom activities, to try and get people excited and motivated to perform better. Nothing has really worked. Our engagement is way down.”
She closed her notebook. “We were hoping for an inspirational story at our upcoming national meeting. Something uplifting our members can latch onto. Exciting but not too far out of reach.”
She continued, “we need someone that people can relate to. We have surveyed our group and lots of people feel they are losing control in today’s world, both personally and professionally. They are frustrated, anxious, distracted and even angry with their situations.”
I thought for a moment then said, “So you want someone who looks like they feel. Someone, still carrying the scars of some accident or trauma but can tell a story of redemption or success that’s easy to digest? Like frustration to freedom in 3 steps?”
All at once she brightened. “Yes! That’s it! But looking at you, that message doesn’t come through. I mean, you look like you are perfectly fine. You look fit. You don’t move like you’ve been hurt. People may not believe what happened. If you speak, can you maybe just sit on stage? Sitting may look better.”
“But this is who I am. I don’t look like I was creamed by a truck and was life-lined to Level One Trauma Center ICU because from the moment I realized I wasn’t dead, I was focused on doing everything in my power to regain where my life headed next. I never for one single moment doubted. I suppose this is the result.”
Pat gave me a disappointed look. “Yes, but not everyone is as fortunate as you. Some people get hurt and can’t recover. Some people are stuck in terrible circumstances, and are to scared to change. They need someone to identify with that can gently help move them out of being trapped or tell them it’s ok just to stay the course. They need…a cheerleader.”
I replied, “I have the right to my point of view, regardless of how it appears. This wasn’t just a scratch Pat. You don’t get life-lined to a Level 1 Trauma Center for a boo-boo. When something like this happens, you cannot stay the course and its not ok to tread water. You cannot survive in the middle. I don’t think they need a cheerleader. They need a guide.”
I continued, “But what you don’t know about this story is that less than 18 months before that accident, my world exploded almost overnight. In two months lost my business, my income, my safety net, my self-worth, my direction, my mental health, my physical health, even who and what I was. I gained 65 pounds. I gave up and for a minute or two, I was truly hopeless, so I know exactly what that looks and feels like.”
I paused for a long time, reflecting back on my own journey. “I have tremendous empathy for those stuck in the middle. It is a scary and lonesome place.”
You cannot live in the middle.
“Let’s back up a bit. When all my worst fears came true, pretty much all at once, I had to do the same thing…That thing was to remove all doubt. Learn to trust my authentic myself and then lean into that.
Doubt turns the thought of 'I shouldn’t’ into ‘I can’t’…and then it turns ‘I can’t’ into ‘I won’t’. Doubt is their enemy. Once you believe Doubt, it has full control.
One of the people at the table next to us butted in. “I am sorry. We are listening and couldn’t really help it. How can Fear and Uncertainty be our friend?”
I replied that Fear is an ancient emotion designed to keep us alive. It’s like rumble strips on the side of the road. Fear says PAY ATTENTION! Fear isn’t designed bio-chemically to stick around for long, it wakes us out of our stupor and then splits. Anxiety on the other hand was designed by Mother Nature to keep us vigilant.
But today, our Dopamine factory is stuck in the ‘on’ mode and when you combine it with doubt, all the other negative emotions our lives are awash in, anxiety has a new purpose, it amplifies doubt and when that grows strong enough, it can re-ignite fear, it becomes a giant feedback loop.
I added, “Uncertainty really means you have a choice. Options. Uncertainty means you are still in the game. The answer or outcome isn’t yet defined. We don’t like uncertainty.
Still, on the other side of fear and uncertainty I found strength, belief in myself and freedom. Doubt would have never allowed me to pass through that gate.”
Doubt is a liar. The other two do not pretend to be anything but what they are. But doubt will be whatever you tell it to be.
Your future isn’t pre-destined. You can choose whatever actions or direction you want, you just don’t know…or more correctly, you just don’t believe you can choose. Doubt tells you not to believe.
You don’t know what is going to happen because you haven’t co-authored it yet!
If I knew I could never have recovered fully from my accident, why even try? If I knew there was no hope recovering from ‘The Pit of Despair’, after failing, everything falling apart, then why try? Why not accept my lot in life? Why get up and re-invent myself, landing in a new reality filled with freedom and opportunity? Without uncertainty NONE of is possible!
Doubt is often the fuel source for Regret.
Pat, myself and the four people to our right all left the coffee shop at the same time, each with something new to think about and reflect on. Whether or not I get the opportunity to speak to that group is uncertain. I don’t fear missing the opportunity, nor do I doubt there was purpose in spending the morning there.