Paradise Lost
Don't you really hate surprises?
I hate surprises.
I really do.
Some people just say that for effect, but I can’t really think of a time when I would say, “hey, well THAT surprise changed my perspective on the whole thing! I guess I mis-understood what surprises are all about!”
Nope. Sorry.
What comes as a surprise? Let’s see…
Getting served with papers that you are getting sued.
Divorce papers.
Your check engine light going on.
That urgent, watery rumble in your gut after eating a Ghost Chili Pepper (that shouldn’t be a surprise, but we keep going back to the well on that one now don’t we?)
Blowing past the hidden State Trooper while doing 93.
Getting robbed.
Sucker punches.
Heart attacks.
Hit and runs.
I could go on, but you get the idea.
You might say, “Well, winning the lottery would be a nice surprise.”
Yes, theoretically it might. Until every person you have quietly moved away from returns, wanting to borrow money from you. I am still up in the air on this one.
What else?
Surprise parties?
Sure. Everyone now knows you are 50 and has shown up to drink your booze and tell you how great you look at 50. I want to look great, not just great for my age. So no.
What else you got?
Mhmmm. See? Surprises are way, way overrated.
You know what surprised me recently?
A brand new symptom from the hit and run concussion I that was gifted with. I use the word ‘gift’ here not sarcastically, but in the context of a surprise white elephant gift I surprisingly ended up with. I wanted the giant coffee table book about coffee, not the tube of menthol chamois butter. Damn. I am stuck with another tube of ass cream.
This brand new symptom is called an ‘Aura Migraine’. Basically, you stop being able to see things and end up with a growing circular ring of color flooding your field of vision. It might have been cool if it were part of an Iowaska retreat in the rainforest, but I was sitting at my computer drinking coffee pouring over a spreadsheet in the Midwest at 6:30 in the morning.
So it wasn’t cool. Actually, it was pretty fucking scary. Fortunately, it went away (I will cover how that happened, so be patient). It may or may not show back up as my TBI continues to heal post accident.
Surprise!
Yeah, surprise. Right up there with heart attacks and hit and runs.
But here is where this story takes an unexpected turn.
Surprise! (See what I did there? Pretty good, eh?)
After doing some quick research on remedies (other than going to the ER, again). I contemplated that because I only need one more punch on my VIP card to get a free colonoscopy…I was torn.
I decided to go outside into early morning light to our back patio. Our back yard is thick with trees- several types of pines, hemlocks, crab apples, locust and ash trees and a few others. Big guys, which stretch for the sky and block out most morning sun, which usually means quiet, thicker air and on occasion a lingering mist. And this was one of those mornings.
Sitting there feeling the stress metathesize into anxiety and fear, my mind began to race.
“What if this doesn’t go away?”
Shit. I began to manufacture all sorts of wild thoughts, sort of like Ralphie in the movie ‘The Christmas Story’, who imagined himself tragically struck blind by soap poisoning caused by his mom putting a bar of Lifebouy soap in his mouth too often.
“Get control.” I told myself.
As I struggled to clear my mind. As the unruly thoughts began to dissipate, something came to me. A memory of a meeting I had with a friend recently. He and I grabbed coffee a few days ago and walked a bit to a nearby park bench.
As we walked, it was clear my friend’s stress had quickly devolved into illogical anxiety and fear. Unfortunately he had reached the sub-basement of negative energy- panic. Giving him a large cup of caffeine probably wasn’t a good idea on my part, so I decided we’d walk to a place I found peaceful.
Getting to the bench, we sat and I asked him to close his eyes and just to listen.
How may sources of crickets did he hear and from what directions? How many different species of birds did he hear? How close or far were they? He started to answer and I cut him off.
Reach further out. Be open to what was beyond. What else did he hear? As he focused, his eyes closed, I told him no to force it. Relax but reach to find what was beyond he had just discovered, then to do it again. And again. Let it all come to him rather than him hunting it out. Close down everything that was proving to be a distraction to him. Let all that evaporate.
He visibly softened and I could feel his energy’s frequency begin rise. After a few minutes, he said “eleven”, as he opened his eyes. I hear eleven different types of birds. I hear squirrels in the pine trees too.
“What else?”, I asked.
He closed his eyes again and was quiet for quite a while. “Wind. Through the trees. A breeze.”
“How many types of breeze sounds do you hear?” I continued?
“Jesus, really?”, he asked, opening one eye to look at me.
“Yep.” Was all I said, not leaving any room for negotiation.
He sat there, three feet from me, hands in his lap and breathed quietly and deeply. Then he smiled, with a look of surprise (I know, I know, but it’s part of the story, so just go with it).
“Two!” he said, now wide eyed. “I hear two. Pine trees and I don’t know. Sycamore? Oak? Regular trees. But I can hear two different types of wind.” (He meant deciduous trees , but ok, regular).
“Holy shit! I never noticed that before! Any of this! Just birds and wind. There is SO much more underneath! How did I not know this was here?!”
“You did. You just forgot.” I replied smiling. “So, how does it make you feel?”
He thought for about 30 seconds. “Wow. Part of it all. Part of all of this, like EVERYTHING. I feel connected to it. I feel calm. It is…soothing. It’s….expansive. Sort of like only seeing the surface of the ocean then diving down to see everything underneath you never knew was there.”
“Ok, good. Anything else?”
He closed his eyes again and we sat there for a long minute. He frowned. “Yeah.” I do. I hear a leaf blower or a weed eater or something like that.”
“It’s ugly. It is an ugly noise. Out of place. Wow. It sort of…demands attention and kind of drowns out everything else. It isn’t really any louder than some of the birds I hear but it definitely runs over most everything else. It’s sort of all I can hear now that I have focused on it. Man, it’s kind of like the noise inside my head.”
I told him to stop focusing on it. Lean into his other senses. Smell. Smell the plants. Go past the ugly weed eater and find the beautiful chorus of mother nature. She’s there. Waiting.
After a while, he told me that this simple little exercise had helped immeasurably. As we parted, I assured him that finding and reconnecting with mother nature, Gaia, would short circuit his anxiety and the imaginary fears.
So that morning, I shut my eyes, wanting to rid myself of this new symptom, and I tried it myself.
Sitting quietly practicing Ujjayi Pranayama breathing, I sought out the layers of nature’s audio track. Each beautiful and each in harmony with each other. Symmetry. When I connected with this, I was filled with nature’s energy; the high frequencies of healing and well-being.
Every once and a while there was some loud vehicle rushing down a nearby road. Different types of loud. Trucks. Sports cars. Beaters and tuners. A few planes flew overhead in between. And these man made noises fought for my attention. Like that one loud and drunk heckler in middle of an audience of laughing guests enjoying the show.
I realized that I, like my friend, had become conditioned to hearing the ugly noises, thinking shallow thoughts. The terrible surprises of lack, drama and conflict; letting it run roughshod over everything else.
The hidden, powerful and magic beauty of nature’s energy is there. Waiting and existing simultaneously. Hidden in plain sight. We all can connect to it, if we can find it and then hold on to it.
I opened my eyes, and much to my surprise, the aura was gone. I was gently reminded that I can deeply connect to nature’s Source Energy any time I need to, and can remain connected to it throughout the day. There is nothing precluding me from tapping into that power but me. I had simply forgotten and had over the years, gotten used to all the ugly noice. I have again found an important piece to improving my well-being and won’t soon forget.
Surprise.